Have you ever been sitting in class and felt like your brain was going to explode? And then someone comes along and starts driving a metal spike through one of your eyes and you get attacked by a shark that has rabies. The rabid shark also has friends that are chipmunks that have multicolored fur and are each singing a different song. Loudly. And your hair catches on fire and then the fire extinguisher shoots gooey shiny colors all over and you can’t stop looking at them. And then you remember that you need to get some orange juice and oranges come from trees and trees are happy because they give us oxygen. Oxymorons are fun! Then there’s this random cat that jumps on you and starts drooling and the shiny things explode. And then Jesus walks in but Jesus is really a quail that’s trying to raise other birds from the dead. And they become zombie birds and start to EAT YOUR FACE! And a little Chinese girl starts cutting up the shark and makes sushi and is feeding it to you even though you don’t want to eat it because you like the shark! And it had rabies and now you have rabies and you’re going to die! And more importantly, your teacher is looking at you like he asked you a question and you have no clue what the question was, let alone what he’s talking about.
That was one minute in my brain.
How did it feel?
Yeah, that’s how I feel. Except instead of it being a paragraph, it’s my life.
So when I say that I’m going crazy, it’s not the average person’s definition of crazy. No, this is like chaotic explosions of shiny bits that really are fish that start doing a synchronized swimming routine. And then they start jumping on your brain and an ice cream cone lands on your forehead and you look like a unicorn… I could continue.
All of my crazy problems get much worse when I don’t get enough sleep. And I don’t get much sleep when I can’t stop twitching while I’m lying in bed. Or singing 5 different songs simultaneously in my head. And thinking about the homework that I have for tomorrow and what was I planning on doing this weekend? And then there’s a noise and oh my god, I’m going to die. But wait, it was just my cats running around. There still might be someone out there, though, so I will have to open my door and look out into the hallway using my cell phone as a light and even though no one’s there, I’ll be freaked out. So I’ll put a box in front of my door so that I’ll have a warning if someone tries to attack me.
As you can probably tell, I have a lot of problems. And before I got sidetracked, I was trying to finish talking about them. So clearly I have ADHD. Which wasn’t that big of a problem for me until the last year or so. This is because I also have depression, which makes me very low energy. So for many years while I was refusing to seek treatment, I had no energy. But now that I’m medicated, I have waaay too much energy and too many thoughts. My ADHD skyrockets when I’m feeling happier, and I’m not going to stop the depression meds to fix the ADHD problem because that would suck. And I don’t think getting ADHD meds are a good option at this point because really, how much would that screw with my brain even more and screw with the meds that actually work?
Right. If anyone’s actually reading this, I’m sorry. This just happens. I try to actually write something, and I can’t stay on that topic for any amount of time so I just ramble about things because that’s where my attention goes.
This is starting to be a problem in school, because not only am I an insomniac, I have zero attention span and too much energy. For example, yesterday we had to take each other’s blood pressures in Anatomy. And I literally couldn’t force my arm to be still for more than 3 seconds. If I tried, it would start twitching, and then I would think about something else to see if that works, but it would still be moving and then the rest of my body would be wriggling in my seat because really, I can’t sit still. It probably messed up the results.
Anyways, I am crazy. I knew that. I had it under control, I really did. But now, it’s all going BOOM and I am the least productive person I know. And I have the greatest number of random things started and not finished.
Maybe I should sleep. But look, Internet! So many interesting new things!!!
Seriously, if anyone’s reading this, I’m really sorry. You have better things to do than read the ramblings of a crazy girl.
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